What do YOU want for Mother's Day?

Mother’s Day Moments

What do YOU really need for Mother’s Day? It is a question I think we all stop to ponder for at least a few moments around this time of year. I was talking to a wise mama from one of our nature Explorers classes and she said that the day after Mother’s Day last year it dawned on her what she really wanted!  She then immediately booked a getaway weekend with some girlfriends for the next Mother’s Day! I’ll be thinking of her this weekend, as we all hopefully stop for a moment and think about what it is that we need to feel refueled and nourished.  But it begs the question, why don’t we stop and think about this more often?

Maybe when we’re finally given the permission to stop and ask ourself this question, it’s not so hard to figure out after all. And perhaps more importantly, when that moment of clarity hits us, we can use that as a  jumping off point to incorporate these things for an entire year.

If it is a moment of silence we are after, this tells us we need more silence in our lives. Perhaps we can make this happen by scheduling in alone time to do something simple like walk the dog without a child attached, or make dinner alone while everyone else is out for a walk each night? Little shifts like this can make a big difference in our mental health.

Time with friends? Time with your partner? What if instead of feeling the constant burden to schedule babysitters and coordinate between conflicting calendars, you just started a bi-monthly date night plan, or a monthly moms night. First Friday of the month. Whoever can make it, makes it, but it it’s scheduled, planned and off your mental load!

Time in nature? Maybe you decide that Thursdays are “nature day” and every Thursday after school you take the kids to McLaren, Glen Park, GG Park or the beach? Even if it means you skip making dinner and have picnic dinners at the park.

Time to take care of the basics like hair appointments, dental and annual health check ups? This one has been of the hardest for me (even if it could just be one of the most important!)  Someone once told me to never leave the office without scheduling your next visit and this has helped tremendously. Why not apply this to other self-care items like a massage, float, or pedicure appointment?

A clean house? You could try what I did when my kids were young and wild and decided to trade in my bi-monthly house keeper for a retired neighbor that would come and help with laundry and basic tidying up! Total game changer! 

Why are these little things so important after all? Because as moms, we work hard and we love hard. After 13 years, I can say with almost certainty that  being the moms we want to be can’t happen if we only stop to think about our wants and needs once a year.  In order to be fully present on this journey takes a lot of self care. It may sound “cringe” as my oldest son would say, but mothering takes a lot of nurturing and it is almost impossible to keep on nurturing without nurturing ourselves.

I hope to see you all soon at one of our long time favorites like Second-Time Moms or Parenting Your Toddler classes, or some of our new offerings like First Time Moms or Navigating Middle School Drama.

Also want to send some love to those who may be celebrating Mother’s Day without their own mothers this year. I hope you find a way to honor and celebrate, grieve and rejoice all of the love they gave and shared.

And last but not least, a big shout out to our single or two dad families out there! You are “doing it all” and should definitely get to celebrate both holidays IMHO!

Worries and Wishes for Back to School

This may be the first year where the adults are more worried than the
children about going back to school. A few months ago, many of us felt
very different, and we were looking forward to the start of a school
year after a long pause, or perhaps a year+ delayed start of preschool.
Now things feel a little turned upside down, as we once again navigate
these questions, doubts and uncertainties. Recently, I came across an
exercise to do with your child from Big Life Journal called “Blow Away
Your Worries.” You draw some bubbles and have them write inside (or
write for them) all the things they’re worried about for the coming
school year. When doing with my own children (who will be starting
Kindergarten, 4th grade and Middle School!), I decided to modify the
activity to add also a half page of “wishes” bubbles with their
wishes/things they are looking forward to about their new school year.
We talk in our classes about how children often have two different
feelings at the same time, and acknowledging both sets can help. Think
about one of your last major life transitions—a new job, moving cities,
etc. You probably were not ALL excited or ALL nervous, but rather had
both sets of feelings to varying degrees. Depending on your child’s
personality, they may focus only on one set of those feelings. But the
reality is each child has both sets, and bringing both to consciousness
will be helpful for all kiddos.

After writing down all of their wishes and worries, you can “blow away”
their worries and send their wishes into the universe. It’s important to
help them acknowledge their worries and pin point them.i.e. “I’m worried
about making new friends” or “missing my teachers.” For younger
toddlers, you may have to prompt them, or just offer your best guess.
But even very young toddlers can be soothed by talking aloud about
things they can’t quite verbalize. Why not physically blow away the
worries and wishes with real bubbles? For older children, be sure to
emphasize that while the worries may not immediately disappear,
acknowledging them and saying them out loud helps us to begin to let go
of our worries. And acknowledging the things we’re excited about helps
us too! We can let our children know that we will save this paper and
come back to it in a few weeks. Maybe there will be new things they want
to add to their “wishes” list, or maybe some of their worries will have
truly disappeared by then! Continuing to have a space to come back to
and reflect together on the changes will be helpful. Because this
transition will not be a one day thing. I remember when my daughter
started kindergarten she was (seemingly) 100% excited and not at all
worried, until she walked into the classroom and had to say goodbye.
What we thought was going to be an easy transition for her, turned into
many weeks of struggling. I wished at that moment that I had explored
with her a little more her other set of feelings around the transition.
She told me later in the school year that the hardest thing was being in
a school without “one adult that I knew.” I hadn’t thought of it like
that before but establishing trust with new caregivers must feel really
hard in the beginning. Of course she went on to adore her kindergarten
teachers and have an amazing year, but sometimes we underestimate the
work our children are doing in the start of a school year. And that was
a normal school year. We don’t know a lot, but we do know this year is
not going to quite be “normal” year. With that in mind, I might suggest
that you also write a worries and wishes paper for yourselves. There is
quite a lot on our plates as parents right now. So much in fact that we
are offering a Covid Support Group, Lunch and Learns Parenting support,
and Virtual Parent Coaching! Check out these offerings below. And if you
still have a little one at home-don’t miss out on our Play-and-Learn
Explorers-a safe outdoor group for your child to stay connected to
nature and build friendships.

2021 Mother's Day Message

Is there a post-pandemic 14 day island retreat for moms somewhere? Because I think we all deserve that!  After a year of earning our stripes, hope is certainly on the horizon. We may even be gathering with our own mothers again around brunch tables this year, a feat that seemed nearly impossible to most this time last year.   I think we are all excited to return to some kind of normal and we will certainly have a brand new appreciation for the simple things in life like dinner parties, coffee with friends, and family get-togethers.   

And yet, as much as I am excited to jump back in, I’m also having some anxiety about life starting to spin at full throttle. And from my chats with other parents, I think this is pretty common.  So what have we learned from this year in the trenches? Aside from learning that homeschooling is NOT my strong point, there have been some revelations I hope I will carry with me well past the re-entry period. 

One is that community and friendship is not something I ever want to take for granted. After a year of loneliness and isolation I have learned that even in the busyness of life, it is so essential to invest in these most precious gifts.  In the same breath, I want to remember that unplanned time is also really good for me and for my family. In fact, this is sometimes where the best stuff happens, and a little bit on the calendar each weekend  (as ironic as that seems)  is going to become a thing around here.  And all of the extra time in nature this year has become so important to keeping us all sane, that I can’t imagine life without it going forward. 

 But perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned this year has come not from the mountain peaks but straight from those times in the desert valleys.  Many women find that in becoming mothers,  negative self-talk or self-judgement can rear it’s head or become more pronounced.  This year I think every mother, at some point,  has felt a sense of total failure. We navigated so many completely unknown challenges. From the closing of schools, daycares and the breakdown of our support systems, to the daily questions of how to actually procure food or toilet paper.  I had never  thought of myself as someone who struggled with negative self-talk, but after a year of F#**ing First Times as Brene Brown so lovingly calls the challenges of doing something we have never figured out before, I think many of us have come up against this feeling more often. 

More than ever before,  I have had to dig deep and learn new coping mechanisms to find my center.  I have learned that stopping myself and countering the messages with three of my strengths as a mother is quite effective. I’ve learned that I can’t do it all. And that the reality is no one can, that we all have our strengths, and we all have our struggles. That comparing your struggle to someone else’s strength is futile. And I’ve learned to talk to that voice and gently remind her that perfection is not the goal, that sometimes failure is ok too. And from this trial by fire lack of time for self-care I’ve learned to recognize when a little more care is needed. I’ve learned (the hard way) that taking time for myself and nourishing myself is truly essential for the well being of our entire family. 

It was Nieszche who said “that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, and Mamas I do believe that we are coming out of this more resilient, more able to handle life’s unexpected blows, and hopefully with finally a little more compassion for ourselves than ever before.  

So as the brunches, bouquets and (much needed) massage and pedicure gift certificates begin again, remember that the greatest Mother’s Day Gift of all is the one only we can give ourselves-grace.

With love,
Rebecca

How to Make Pandemic Halloween Awesome?

Autumn is Here! In a normal time, in a normal world, this is definitely my favorite time of year. I love the changing season, our belated SF summer, the pumpkins patches and hayrides. And, of course, watching the joy on my children's faces as they anticipate Halloween night. This year, it seems like so many questions linger, and there is a bit of grief hanging in the smokey air as we wonder how some of our favorite traditions might be a bit different. But there are also glimpses of hope and expectation as we head into this special season. Watching the pumpkin patches go up and finally working up the courage to brave the Trader Joe's lines to get my pumpkin everything (they were much better than they looked) have certainly raised my spirits. For my older children who are deeply imbedded in the trick-or-treating tradition, this year we are having to get pretty creative. We are planning to get together in the park with costumes, a few friends and a lot of candy-bonus we can choose healthier organic candy! We also got "boo'd" with a Halloween Box and are planning on having some fun with this tradition! Earlier in the month, we're planning on riding the Roaring Camp Railroad outdoor train to the pumpkin patch in the Santa Cruz Mountains.

We are also going to do some extra special Halloween decorations this year, to make things feel a little more festive, and have found some great crafts to keep our Halloween spirits up! (Thanks Kellam!) See Witches' brew below and follow our Facebook and Instagram pages for more Fall activity and crafting tips such as the pumpkin painting and washing pictured above. Toddlers and preschoolers can be entertained for sometime by painting, then washing, then painting again! You may be surprised how the end product turns out! However you celebrate the season this year, we hope you find ways to make it festive and fun!

Rebecca and the ECM team: Kellam, Alexis and Evelyn!

Honoring Juneteenth

From Talking About Race To Talking About Racism, What Can One Little Family Do?

This day in 1865 marked Texas’ late to the game and final state to (forcefully) adopt the Emancipation Proclamation, over 2.5 years after it was signed into law. It has been celebrated as a day of freedom, progress, and  independence by Black Americans for 155 years. This year, as support for Black Lives Matter soars and our country takes another serious and hard look at our ongoing personal, institutional, and systemic forms of racism, Juneteenth has a renewed sense of urgency.

 As teachers and educators in the lives of children and families, we have been heartbroken and filled with anger, grief, and despair by the recent tragedies and acts of violence against innocent Black Americans. And yet, we are hopeful and emboldened by the Black Lives Matter movement and our nation's opportunity to become more aware of these ongoing systems of oppression and more awake to the critical role we each play in bringing about change and racial justice. At Early Childhood Matters, we are emboldened by our mission to help all parents and children establish healthy, connected relationships from a very early age, and believe this is a key ingredient in social change and transformation. We are also inspired to talk to our own children about race more openly than many of us experienced growing up, and to share with our ECM families ideas, tools, and resources from experts to help you raise the next generation of race conscious and anti-racist children.

So what can one little family do? 

Over the years, through my own parenting, research and conversations with Black and brown families, I’ve been learning a lot, and am still learning a lot, about what I can do to be an ally, and how to talk to my children about race and racism. One thing I’ve learned is that wondering when to bring up racism with my children is a privilege that most people of color do not have. From very early childhood, conversations are already taking place in many families of color about how to not have your hands in your pockets or eat snacks from packets while in a grocery store, for fear of being accused of stealing something. This listening has shifted my own ideas about when to bring up racism, and I recognize that every family will make their own decisions based on factors like developmental readiness, maturity, social context and racial identity. However, one thing I would encourage all families to do, is to start by talking about race early, and to probably talk about racism earlier than you think. Your toddler or preschooler is not too young to talk about race and we know that children as young as 6 months can recognize difference in skin color.

So where and when do we start?

0–12 Months:
Before your child can talk and fully understand the exact words you are choosing, might just be the perfect time to start practicing and getting comfortable talking about race. 

Look at books about babies that reflect diversity. Practice talking about race. “This person has brown skin. It reminds me of cocoa or coffee. She might call herself Black or African American.”  Talk about the colors of the people they love, and how they might identify as Black, Latino, White, Korean, Indian, Persian, or other races. 

12 Months—3 Years: 

All of the above and…

Curate books, music, toys and dolls that reflect the wide diversity of races, cultures, and ethnicities that we find in our world

Look closely at books. Point out when all the characters or main characters might be White. Point out when books reflect diversity. Talk about skin color and race portrayed in books and by the people they love (see above). 

As adults, we can be uncomfortable when children make simple, factual observations like: “She has brown skin” or “He has darker skin than me”. When we show children that we are uncomfortable through our facial expressions, body language, or by laughing or quickly changing the subject, we miss an opportunity to talk to children about the differences that they are seeing. Many of us were raised to believe we were not supposed to notice things like the color of people’s skin. As parents, one of the simplest and most important things we can do to raise race-conscious children is to openly engage in these conversations.

Answer questions and observations about skin color and race matter of factly “Yes, you’re right. They have darker skin and you have lighter skin.” Add information that might be helpful “They might call themselves Black or African American and in our family we might say multiracial or mixed race.”  

Take your children to or participate in cultural celebrations that may be different from your own, like a Chinese New Year Lion Dance or a local Juneteenth celebration, virtual event, or activity at home like skin color playdough. Children love celebratory events, and this can be a powerful way to expand their worldview and offer a springboard for further discussion. 

3-6 Years: 
All of the above and…

Begin to talk to your children about how sometimes not all people are treated fairly. Young children are passionate about things being fair, and you can let them know that in our family we believe all people should be treated fairly, with kindness, and with respect. Ask questions and engage with children about what they are noticing regarding skin color and difference.  

They may begin to experiment with or be on the receiving end of exclusionary statements like “I don’t want to play with her because she has dark skin.” If your child says something like this, it doesn’t mean you failed to raise an anti-racist, but it may mean it is time to talk to your child explicitly about racism. Talk to your child about how they might feel if no one named Sam, or no one with blue eyes was allowed to play. Talk about the term racism and how this means that people are treated unfairly because of their race, or the color of their skin. If your child is on the receiving end of this, talk or role play with your child about how that made them feel and what they can do when they feel sad, mad, or excluded. (Tell their friends “That is not fair!” and/or talk to a teacher or parent to get support).
If you haven’t heard about such comments on your own local playground, activate the moral imagination. Especially for raising allies and up-standers, ask your child, “What do you think you should do if you heard someone say this?” Often our children have more wisdom on these issues than we may have imagined. 

At this age children might misunderstand well intentioned discussions about race and say things like “We are lucky we are White” or “I wish I had White skin.” Again, don’t take this as a sign of failure. In reality, they are stumbling upon concepts of White privilege and you can reflect this back to them, reiterating that it isn’t fair that people are more safe or live in fancier neighborhoods when they are White. Let your child know that your family is committed to, and that there are people all over the world, that are working on making things more fair for people of color.  

This would also be an important time to make sure your child is learning about and seeing models of people of color who are world leaders, writers, scientists, mathematicians , CEO’s and other influencers. 

For Parents and Adults:

Just as the basic philosophy of our organization is grounded in research and educating ourselves as parents, we believe taking steps to educate ourselves on the stories, history, and lives of Black Americans is an important place to start. Our teachers and facilitators are currently reading or listening to:

Me and White Supremacy by Layla Saad

Mindful of Race by Ruth King,

Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

Antagonist, Advocates and Allies: The Wake Up Call Guide for White Women Who Want to Become Allies with Black Women by Caprice Jackson

We are listening to webinars like: 

"How do I make sure I'm not raising the next 'Amy Cooper'?" 
“I [STILL] can’t breathe”: Supporting kids of color amid radicalized violence

Please see our web page dedicated and continually updated with resources to support you on this journey of raising raise conscious and anti-racist children. 


And most importantly, just keep talking. Many White people who were raised in the “color blind generation,” can be very uncomfortable talking about race in any capacity. Unfortunately, this approach can perpetuate discomfort in the next generation, and stand in the way of progressing toward a more just society.  Don’t let the perfect get in the way of the good. It is actually the silence, whether based on the belief that you are implicit in the problem, or that you might get it all wrong, that is actually what is impeding us the most. So as activist and ally Dr. Jennifer Harvey says in her recent webinar with Embrace Race, “We don’t have to be right or perfect, we just have to be brave.”

Honoring Juneteenth

From our hearts to yours,

Rebecca and the ECM Team

Organizations to consider donating to support Black Lives Matter and communities of color:

https://www.sfblackinfanthealth.org/

https://colorofchange.org/

https://www.naacpldf.org/

https://www.joincampaignzero.org/

https://8cantwait.org/

https://sisterdistrict.com/

embracerace.com

Early Childhood Matters Stands in Solidarity with Black Lives Matter, against racism to black Americans and in all forms. We strive to help families raise the next generation of race conscious children. Please see our page of resources for families on talking to children about race and racism here.

Check out ECM's daily tips of the day in our Pandemic Parenting Tips of the Day

Check out our daily parenting, self-care, indoor & outdoor activity tips here. ECM is here to support you and your family during this time.

Back to Preschool Jitters - Overcoming back to school jitters, fears and anxieties

Back to Preschool Jitters
by Rebecca Walsh

“I was scared, but I actually loved it.” This, a direct quote from my 4-year old after starting his first day in a new preschool classroom on Tuesday. He was only moving up from one classroom to the next, and most of his friends were going with him, but still it was a big shift in his little world. Moving from three teachers that he adored to three brand new teachers, changing classrooms from the one he had grown so familiar with, meeting brand new friends, and going through the preschool identity shift of being “a Penguin” to becoming a “Prairie Dog.” 

These don’t seem like huge things from an adult perspective, and some children just seem to roll with the punches right through these kinds of shifts, but for some children this change can be a pretty big deal. My son happens to be one of these children. When the teachers told the children about the upcoming shift back in July, my son spent weeks telling us he was not going to leave the Penguin Room.

We created a calendar for him at home, and marked off days so he could see how many days he had left to enjoy being a Penguin. He was somewhat calmed by this, and occasionally engaged in conversations about fun things he might to do as a Prairie Dog. But as the big day on the calendar got closer and closer he became more and more nervous. The weekend before school started he went back to telling us he wasn’t leaving the Penguin Room. On the first day of school, he woke up and announced decisively, “I’m not going to school today. I’m going to skip it.” I could honestly relate. I’ve had those thoughts myself when about to do something totally out of my comfort zone.

In fact, not to long ago, I was booked to speak at a conference for educators and parents and I remember waking up that morning and thinking, “Maybe I could just call in sick?” Of course I got out of bed, pumped myself up a bit, and ended up having a lot fun delivering a couple of workshops to a bigger crowd than I’d been in front of in a while. So when Patrick woke up and made this announcement, I thought about how I could support him to move through and ultimately overcome this fear of the unfamiliar.
But that wasn’t my first thought. As a parent, we often feel first and think later and my first feeling was “This is so sad, my poor little guy.” Irrational thoughts raced through my head like "Maybe he could skip just the first day" and even that "Maybe this whole preschool thing was too much for him." This from the woman who taught preschool for nearly 20 years and had dedicated her career to early childhood education! These weren’t rational thoughts, and of course I didn’t act on them, but they were real, and excellent reminders about just how hard it is to be a parent.

Parenting requires actually a lot of standing back and looking at the big picture, making decisions that you know will not just help your child in that moment, but will help them become successful adults. It requires a lot of objectivity actually, and yet it is one of the most subjective experiences of our lives. Well, we managed to get dressed, collect our stuffies, and get out the door. The car ride, however, was even worse. The closer we got to school, the more anxious he became, and eventually the tears started to stream as he said “I’m scared mommy, I’m really scared, I don’t want to be a Prairie Dog.” So we talked about times when I had been scared too-I told him the story about the conference, and his older brother who was in the car told him the story of his first day in a new school. He seemed to feel a little better knowing that sometimes things you’re scared of could turn out OK. Then, we made up a song. “Oh I’m gonna rock this Prairie Dog day. Feeling a little scared, but that’s OK, cuz I’m gonna rock it anyway!” We sung it over and over and by the time we got to school, Patrick walked into the classroom, shoulders back, confident and looking like he was ready to take on anything life would throw his way. But the best part, was on the way home. I asked him how his first day as a Prairie Dog went and he said, without skipping a beat, “I was really scared, but I actually loved it.”

Wow. Imagine if I had swooped in to protect him, and in the meantime had protected him from learning this incredibly valuable life lesson about resiliency. Things can be tough, they can even be scary, but I can get through, and I might even end up loving it.

I hope your first few weeks of school are off to a great start. Don’t worry if the “turn around time” from worried to loving it isn’t quite as fast, especially for a brand new school or a younger child, it will of course take some more time. But try to look at the big picture and remain as positive as possible as your child moves through the range of emotions and ultimately learns that she can overcome her anxieties and fears, and end up having a really good time in the process!

See a few more pro-tips below from our instructors on easing into the transition back to school!

From Alexis Buckley: When kids start a new school or classroom, it’s good to not over schedule after school activities. Plan lots of down time for your child to unwind after a long day of keeping it all together for their teachers. Also expect lots of meltdowns and emotional release at home. As hard as it is, try to create some space for this, and know that it will pass as their little bodies and minds get used to the new schedule. And remember, if you yourself are feeling anxious about the school transition, make sure not to discuss it in front of the child. Children are always listening so even when we think we are just talking to our partner or a friend on the phone, it’s very easy for children to overhear and take on our worry. You really have to fake it until you make it and exude confidence you might not even have (then run to the bathroom and cry alone!) One final tip I often tell parents is to make sure to bring a healthy snack to pick-up. Kids often do not eat lunch well as they adjust to a new school/class and are often starving at pick up!

From Evelyn Nichols: As parents we are often eager (maybe a tad anxious) to know about what went on at school and how our kids are feeling about all the new things. However, coming in hot with too many questions about the day can be overwhelming, particularly because young children live more in the moment then we do as adults. I suggest at pick up time focusing on how glad you are to see your child. I find I learn more about the day from my kids through random songs they start to sing, or memories that they recall when we’re playing or even just sitting near each other. And that’s the best time to listen and ask questions. Here's a link to some great questions to get children talking about their day!

Another thing to keep in mind: transitions are hard on the whole family, not just kids. At our house when we’re getting used to a new schedule. I find in the first few weeks of school it really helps if I get lunch packed the night before, have my kids pick out their clothes the night before (or even better wear their school clothes to bed), and wake up a bit early to make sure I’ve had my needs met before the rush of getting ready and out the door for school. That way I have time to be more playful and patient, rather than rushed. Things go much smoother when I’m not adding my own anxiety about getting places on time to the already big feelings that my children are having.

One more pro tip from our team: The Octopus Watch. (Pictured above on Patrick) This brilliant back to school time saver allows you to program visual schedule cues to pop up for your child to follow on their own (non radio-frequency emitting) watch. I've never seen my children get dressed, brush their teeth, and move through their morning routine with more ease! Even my husband commented the other day, "These watches are really working for our family! Get yours here - it might just change your mornings forever! Please use this code LITTLEDRAGONECM for FREE SHIPPING and to support Early Childhood Matters!