From Talking About Race To Talking About Racism, What Can One Little Family Do?
This day in 1865 marked Texas’ late to the game and final state to (forcefully) adopt the Emancipation Proclamation, over 2.5 years after it was signed into law. It has been celebrated as a day of freedom, progress, and independence by Black Americans for 155 years. This year, as support for Black Lives Matter soars and our country takes another serious and hard look at our ongoing personal, institutional, and systemic forms of racism, Juneteenth has a renewed sense of urgency.
As teachers and educators in the lives of children and families, we have been heartbroken and filled with anger, grief, and despair by the recent tragedies and acts of violence against innocent Black Americans. And yet, we are hopeful and emboldened by the Black Lives Matter movement and our nation's opportunity to become more aware of these ongoing systems of oppression and more awake to the critical role we each play in bringing about change and racial justice. At Early Childhood Matters, we are emboldened by our mission to help all parents and children establish healthy, connected relationships from a very early age, and believe this is a key ingredient in social change and transformation. We are also inspired to talk to our own children about race more openly than many of us experienced growing up, and to share with our ECM families ideas, tools, and resources from experts to help you raise the next generation of race conscious and anti-racist children.
So what can one little family do?
Over the years, through my own parenting, research and conversations with Black and brown families, I’ve been learning a lot, and am still learning a lot, about what I can do to be an ally, and how to talk to my children about race and racism. One thing I’ve learned is that wondering when to bring up racism with my children is a privilege that most people of color do not have. From very early childhood, conversations are already taking place in many families of color about how to not have your hands in your pockets or eat snacks from packets while in a grocery store, for fear of being accused of stealing something. This listening has shifted my own ideas about when to bring up racism, and I recognize that every family will make their own decisions based on factors like developmental readiness, maturity, social context and racial identity. However, one thing I would encourage all families to do, is to start by talking about race early, and to probably talk about racism earlier than you think. Your toddler or preschooler is not too young to talk about race and we know that children as young as 6 months can recognize difference in skin color.
So where and when do we start?
0–12 Months:
Before your child can talk and fully understand the exact words you are choosing, might just be the perfect time to start practicing and getting comfortable talking about race.
Look at books about babies that reflect diversity. Practice talking about race. “This person has brown skin. It reminds me of cocoa or coffee. She might call herself Black or African American.” Talk about the colors of the people they love, and how they might identify as Black, Latino, White, Korean, Indian, Persian, or other races.
12 Months—3 Years:
All of the above and…
Curate books, music, toys and dolls that reflect the wide diversity of races, cultures, and ethnicities that we find in our world
Look closely at books. Point out when all the characters or main characters might be White. Point out when books reflect diversity. Talk about skin color and race portrayed in books and by the people they love (see above).
As adults, we can be uncomfortable when children make simple, factual observations like: “She has brown skin” or “He has darker skin than me”. When we show children that we are uncomfortable through our facial expressions, body language, or by laughing or quickly changing the subject, we miss an opportunity to talk to children about the differences that they are seeing. Many of us were raised to believe we were not supposed to notice things like the color of people’s skin. As parents, one of the simplest and most important things we can do to raise race-conscious children is to openly engage in these conversations.
Answer questions and observations about skin color and race matter of factly “Yes, you’re right. They have darker skin and you have lighter skin.” Add information that might be helpful “They might call themselves Black or African American and in our family we might say multiracial or mixed race.”
Take your children to or participate in cultural celebrations that may be different from your own, like a Chinese New Year Lion Dance or a local Juneteenth celebration, virtual event, or activity at home like skin color playdough. Children love celebratory events, and this can be a powerful way to expand their worldview and offer a springboard for further discussion.
3-6 Years:
All of the above and…
Begin to talk to your children about how sometimes not all people are treated fairly. Young children are passionate about things being fair, and you can let them know that in our family we believe all people should be treated fairly, with kindness, and with respect. Ask questions and engage with children about what they are noticing regarding skin color and difference.
They may begin to experiment with or be on the receiving end of exclusionary statements like “I don’t want to play with her because she has dark skin.” If your child says something like this, it doesn’t mean you failed to raise an anti-racist, but it may mean it is time to talk to your child explicitly about racism. Talk to your child about how they might feel if no one named Sam, or no one with blue eyes was allowed to play. Talk about the term racism and how this means that people are treated unfairly because of their race, or the color of their skin. If your child is on the receiving end of this, talk or role play with your child about how that made them feel and what they can do when they feel sad, mad, or excluded. (Tell their friends “That is not fair!” and/or talk to a teacher or parent to get support).
If you haven’t heard about such comments on your own local playground, activate the moral imagination. Especially for raising allies and up-standers, ask your child, “What do you think you should do if you heard someone say this?” Often our children have more wisdom on these issues than we may have imagined.
At this age children might misunderstand well intentioned discussions about race and say things like “We are lucky we are White” or “I wish I had White skin.” Again, don’t take this as a sign of failure. In reality, they are stumbling upon concepts of White privilege and you can reflect this back to them, reiterating that it isn’t fair that people are more safe or live in fancier neighborhoods when they are White. Let your child know that your family is committed to, and that there are people all over the world, that are working on making things more fair for people of color.
This would also be an important time to make sure your child is learning about and seeing models of people of color who are world leaders, writers, scientists, mathematicians , CEO’s and other influencers.
For Parents and Adults:
Just as the basic philosophy of our organization is grounded in research and educating ourselves as parents, we believe taking steps to educate ourselves on the stories, history, and lives of Black Americans is an important place to start. Our teachers and facilitators are currently reading or listening to:
Me and White Supremacy by Layla Saad
Mindful of Race by Ruth King,
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
Antagonist, Advocates and Allies: The Wake Up Call Guide for White Women Who Want to Become Allies with Black Women by Caprice Jackson
We are listening to webinars like:
"How do I make sure I'm not raising the next 'Amy Cooper'?"
“I [STILL] can’t breathe”: Supporting kids of color amid radicalized violence
Please see our web page dedicated and continually updated with resources to support you on this journey of raising raise conscious and anti-racist children.
And most importantly, just keep talking. Many White people who were raised in the “color blind generation,” can be very uncomfortable talking about race in any capacity. Unfortunately, this approach can perpetuate discomfort in the next generation, and stand in the way of progressing toward a more just society. Don’t let the perfect get in the way of the good. It is actually the silence, whether based on the belief that you are implicit in the problem, or that you might get it all wrong, that is actually what is impeding us the most. So as activist and ally Dr. Jennifer Harvey says in her recent webinar with Embrace Race, “We don’t have to be right or perfect, we just have to be brave.”
Honoring Juneteenth
From our hearts to yours,
Rebecca and the ECM Team
Organizations to consider donating to support Black Lives Matter and communities of color:
https://www.sfblackinfanthealth.org/
https://colorofchange.org/
https://www.joincampaignzero.org/
https://sisterdistrict.com/
embracerace.com
Early Childhood Matters Stands in Solidarity with Black Lives Matter, against racism to black Americans and in all forms. We strive to help families raise the next generation of race conscious children. Please see our page of resources for families on talking to children about race and racism here.