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Transitions are haaaard!!! I mean let’s face it, no matter how excited (or slightly panicked) you were to get back to the routine of the school year, the transition period is hard. It’s hard on the parents, it’s hard on the kids, and for some of our children, these types of changes are even trickier. Whether your child is a jump right in and go with the flow, or a slightly slower to warm up and adjust type (and I have at least one of each)-transitions are hard on everyone.
For the easy going child, things don’t always seem like such a big deal. Yet often it is this child that a few weeks down the road, you start to see increased meltdowns, separation anxiety, or regressions in areas they had previously conquered. Being proactive with the easy going child, going through similar steps to explore both positive and negative feelings about the changes can pay back in dividends down the road. It also lets the easy going child know that they can still explore these more challenging sets of feelings and no, you don’t expect them to be easy peasy, go with the flow all the time.
For the slower to adjust child, you don’t have to work so hard to get at the negative feelings, but you do have to figure out what to do with them. As opposed to my daughter who came back from the first day of school exclaiming that “this was going to be the best school year ever!” My son came back from his first day of first grade and declared, “Everything is different. The teachers, the classroom, the schedule, the kids in my class, even lunch is different!” Then, with tears swelling in his eyes, he said “It doesn’t even feel like the same school.” Oh buddy! This IS hard! And here I had done it again-underestimating how difficult this would be! Last year he was starting Kindergarten, brand new school, I knew it would be hard. We had done a lot to prepare (see the "Worries and Wishes" article written last year with LOTS of great ideas below). But I should have known better. A couple years before I had also underestimated the transition back to school and “just” changing from one preschool classroom to the other. (Please see our Back to Preschool or Off to Preschool articles below for more ideas and a great booklist). And keep reading this article because these ideas and concepts are good for all ages!
So what do we do with these difficult feelings? We have a couple of choices, really.
We could over empathize, over think and over worry ourselves. (oh what do you mean, do you not like your teachers, did something happen, are the kids not being nice to you?) While secretly wondering if you “should have enrolled him in that school that loops and you have the same teacher your whole life!” But learning to recognize the more impulsive irrational (and totally normal) thoughts that pop into our heads from the ones that will help our children grow and learn to be resilient young adults, is a good first step. Make sure to get these questions and thoughts out with a trusted friend or you partner, but don’t bombard your child with these types of questions and worries.
Our other choice would be to be the “Pollyanna” response. “No, you don’t mean that. I’m sure something fun happened-tell me one fun thing that happened.” It is so tempting to make our children feel better by reminding them of the positives. While this isn’t entirely bad, without starting with the empathy and validating their experience, it tells your child negative feelings are not ones they are welcome to discuss with you. This can have many long term consequences as your child moves through the next stages of childhood and adolescence.
So what can we do? Keep calm. Empathize. Listen. Then maybe ask a question or point to a positive. “Man, you’re right. That is a lot of change. That must be hard having all those changes at once.” Stop, pause and listen. Then, and only then, “I wonder what the hardest part of today was? I wonder what the best part of today was? I wonder if tomorrow will be easier? Empathizing and then asking open ended non panicked induced questions can help! Help your child explore their feelings without adding your own anxieties and worries to their already full plate.
For our eternal optimists, our more reserved children, try bringing up the feelings about the changes when they are upset about something else-like when they don’t like whats on the dinner table or their wardrobe options. When they are having just a slightly bigger reaction than they normally would try just calmly saying-starting a new school year can be hard! This may open up a window for them to discuss the other set of feelings they may be having. Or proactively when calm, have a discussion about all the things that are different and the same about the school year. Ask them what they are excited about and what they might miss from last year? Again, acknowledging that we often have two sets of feelings about a given experience is an invaluable tool to teach children and may stave off unwanted big feelings about lots of little things during this time.
Tips for Making the Busy School Schedule Work for You!
Find Creative Time for Yourself-Do you really have to huddle in the back of the ballet studio for 45 mins with the other parents all collectively staring at phones? Can you drop your child off and make that “catch up with my dear East Coast friend while going for a walk” hour? Or maybe you have a little one along for the ride-they could do a stroller ride and you could still pull it off, or maybe you make it “special time” for them and you find a cafe nearby to read books together in? Every minute is precious as a busy parent and sometimes you have to get creative to make those busy schedules work for you. On the other hand:
Do Less: Really look at your schedule and decide if there are any unnecessaries? As Emily Oster says in her book Family Firm-before just jumping into extra curriculars and going to every birthday party your child is invited to-decide how you want to spend your weekends as a family? What would be life giving for you and/or your partner? Time in Nature? Cultural or CityWide Events? Down time or unplanned “white space”? If I could go back in time to when I had a newborn, a 3 year old, and a 6 year old the thing I wouldn’t have done was the swim class all the way across town! I know now that they all would have all learned to swim even without that one very stressful year of swim lessons. They could have learned the next year! Or why didn’t I find a Sat morning class where my partner could have gone with me? Who knows but hindsight is 20/20!
Go to bed earlier and wake up earlier: That Netflix show is great, but I’ve learned over the years it is really not as great as going to bed early and waking up before my children. Getting lunches finished before the kids wake up or before you are super rushed is priceless. Having a little time to myself in the quiet of the morning is bliss. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t pull this off all the time, but I am aiming for this more and more!
Give your kids more responsibilities: As a family of non early risers, mornings are not great for us, and so we are now having the kids pack their snack, and their fruit and vegetables sections of the lunch box the night before. Just having to add the “main course” in the morning, makes a big difference-and the children actually enjoy having this ownership over their lunches! Look for many more creative ways to give your kids more responsibility, so less actually falls on you. In our Sibling Course coming up next week (also available as an audio course if you find this format helpful to listen at your own pace) we talk about chores and increasing responsibilities at home. And again if you like the audio format here, do you know we have pre-recorded classes for purchase of our 6 week Positive Discipline for Preschoolers course and our Parenting Through Toddler Years Course? Many families have enjoyed finally being able to go through these courses at their own pace, while folding laundry or commuting, and learning invaluable tools for the tricky twos, willful 3s and the powerful 4s.