“Love is the greatest gift that one generation can leave to another.” Richard Garnett
Valentine’s Day is around the corner and historically we may have connected this to romantic love (and probably had some mixed feelings around this holiday over the years!) Now that we are parents we probably think more about the excitement of school valentine parties and getting our kids (yet another) stuffed animal holding a heart. This year I’m thinking about what it means to actually show love to our children, and to hand down this “greatest gift” from one generation to the next. How can we use this month to really help our children know that they are loved, and build up their confidence and self-esteem? Sometimes it feels like we spend so much time with our children, and yet they still can’t get enough of our time and attention. Sometimes we feel like we are so busy or life is moving so fast, that we can’t remember the last moment of actual connection. I remember my mom saying once that emotional presence was the greatest gift you could give to your child. That at the end of the day, nothing you could say, give, or do for you child would come close to comparing with the confidence a child would gain from a child who knows they have a parent who is there to listen. Sometimes this is easier said than done. Sometimes my kids catch me doing the 1000 things I feel l need to accomplish on my phone, when they are trying to excitedly tell me something about their day. We are never going to be perfect as parents!
Yet, this month I encourage you to try one of these 5 simple actions below to help your child feel the unmistakable confidence gained when they know that they are loved.
FloorTime: Somehow this simple concept seems harder than ever with so many devices and apps and platforms competing for our attention. Remembering that no one needs your attention more than your child. So airplane mode your phone for 10 minutes and put on a timer!. Challenge yourself to think or do nothing else for that 10 minutes except
-Follow Your Child’s Lead
-Narrate and Imitate
-Get into your chid’s world and have fun.
Remember No phones, no multitasking, no using this as an opportunity to teach letters or quiz them on their animal sounds. This should be the two of you, connecting and having fun. Ritualize and name this time for children 3+. For children 6+ see tip 5 for how to take floortime off the floor.
I love you Rituals-One of my favorite moments in my life as a mom right now is late at bedtime when my son asks for “the kisses.” A series of kisses, some classics like butterfly and “nose-y” kisses, and many more that we’ve made up like bulldozer, eagle, turtle and eyebrow kisses. Every time he asks I wonder if it will be the last-but so far my 7 year old is all in, and I’m soaking up every minute. We started this before he turned two, and it was a special way to get a little extra mama love at the end of the day. I learned about I Love You Rituals from a woman named Dr. Becky Baley, who describes them as small yet powerful moments we take throughout our day to reconnect to our children through eye contact and touch. Other examples can be special wake up rituals, departing or reuniting rituals (see below), or just stopping and singing a song like this one throughout the day. A few moments of connection can go a long way for our little ones!
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
What a Wonderful Child You Are
With Two Bright Eyes and Ruby Red Cheeks
A Beautiful Chid from Your Head to Your Feet
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
What a Wonderful Child You Are
Bed time sharing-Children like to move, they like to do! It can be tricky to find time when they are open to talking and sharing about their day. Bedtime, though it may feel like a distraction technique, is one of those times when children are open to reflection and asking questions. Their mind can settle a bit when their body is still. Instead of resisting all those late night questions, because let's face it, we really need them to get to bed at the end of a long day, try creating time for it. Once or twice a week (with each child if you have multiples) skip books and do "talkies" instead. Start by leading your child on a review of their day: ask where they were just before bed, before dinner, before they came home, etc. Or keep it really open ended for older children. It's amazing how the conversation can flow during this special time at night and you'll be surprised how much you'll learn that you would never find out at any other time of day!
Greeting and departing rituals-No matter how old your child is, make sure to always greet them when they walk out the door and say goodbye when they leave. As Toni Morrison famously asked "When a child walks in the room, your child or any body else's, do your eyes light up? That's what they are looking for. These small moments of connection can add up to a lot. For younger children, try this I Love You Ritual: When greeting your child from some time away (even if you were just away in another room) say hello to each part of their body.
“Hello, elbow I missed you so-it’s so nice to see you Patrick’s elbow!” “Hello, knee I missed you so-it’s so nice to see you Patrick’s Knee!," etc, etc.Date nights/Special time/Rituals: Aside from floor time, it can be really important to have a special date with your child 1:1 outside of your home. Ritualizing it can bring even more meaning and special memories to look back on. Friday frozen yoghurt date, dinner or lunch dates 1:1, monthly pedicure dates, Sat cafe dates, even a "target run" ritual can count! When children get special time alone with either parent, it's amazing how it can help to keep that parent child bond alive and well!