The holidays have all wound down and you have already started back to the "real world" or are about to on Monday. You probably feel a mix of excitement for the structure and a longing for the continued slowness of the past weeks. Before all of this begins again at full speed, take a moment to reflect on how to center yourself and set some (very achievable I promise!) parenting goals for the new year. With all that is happening in our world and in our country this year, we are all certainly going to need them!
Three Parenting Goals that Could Quite Possibly Change Everything
#3 Time In
#2 The Family Goal Jar
#1 Forgive Yourself More!
#3 Time In
If you have taken any classes with ECM, you have likely heard us talk about the almost magical power of one-on-one time. With my 14, 11, and 8 year olds, I can still happily attest to the fact that it works for all ages and cures nearly everything. One of my very favorite times of year is between Christmas and New Year’s. The holiday rush is through, the to-do lists have all been checked, and you realize the ones that remained unchecked were really not that essential after all. (Can we please remember this next Christmas?) It’s the time of year that is practically the antithesis to the busiest time of year. The world seems to stop spinning so fast. Social calendars, extra-curriculars, and even many work schedules wind down. Our family likes to spend time together in nature, play board games, write in our journals and read books. On vacations, I find my dependency on my phone drops dramatically. Without those aforementioned engagements, my mental load softens. I am able to be more in-the-moment. Each year I make a personal goal to find a way to keep that going when things pick back up. Some years, this has meant trying to figure out a balance in our relationship and delegating more of the mental load. Some years, it has been developing healthier phone habits. I recently read a New York Times article about how we do not have as much self control as we think. The article suggests that the safest bet to diminishing your screen time use is to remove temptation: put it in a drawer when you are in the kitchen, the glove box while driving and literally just turn it off whenever you can. The theme I am taking from this year's slowdown is the importance of family time and 1:1 time with each child. When they were little my goal was each child, each day, or at least one child a day. They are busier now, but these past weeks have definitely shown me that they still need that time and undivided attention, even if it’s in a different way. It doesn’t have to be super long, but I know if we can put down all the devices and lean into each other a bit more, it will make all the difference. For parents with younger children, that magic 10 minutes of undivided attention and following your child’s lead (and you really do need to have your phone in a drawer or on airplane mode) could quite possibly change everything.
#2 The Family Goal Jar
A family goal jar requires nothing more than a jar and some old pasta (you probably have both lying around). Chose a goal, ideally one the whole family and not just the children can benefit from working on. Next, chose a reward/celebration. Perhaps when the jar is full you all go bowling or ice skating or to the movies. Perhaps you have an Ice Cream Sundae Party! Over the years we have used a family goal jar in a variety of ways. Once it was a kindness jar where the goal was to “catch siblings being kind to each other.” Another very successful jar was the “‘I feel’ language” jar where we practiced nonviolent communication. “I feel _________ when you______. I need you to______.” If anyone in the family used “I feel” language instead of screaming, yelling or throwing toys at each other (yes, this happens even in my home) we put a pasta in the jar. This year we have a, “flexible family member” jar. We are all going to work on being flexible. You tagged along to a birthday party you did not want to go to, let’s put some pasta in the jar! Dad went to the restaurant that mama chose - a pasta goes in! The new year is a great time to set some goals as a family and if you can find a goal the whole family can work on, even better! It is important for children to see their parents admit struggles and exhibit a growth mindset as well.
#1 Parenting Goal: Forgive Yourself More!
Let’s be honest with ourselves: parenting is a minefield for making mistakes. Whether you are in the sleep-deprived stage with this beautiful little baby who is dependent on you (literally) every moment of every day, or the stage of parenting a young child who acts more like a wild animal than a human (and is closer in brain development to the raccoon!). Or maybe you are in the stage I am entering where your loyal and affectionate puppy dog has just turned into an indifferent and arrogant cat! No matter which stage, they are all hard in their own ways and parenting requires superhuman strength just to get through the day. But news flash… are you ready for it? You are actually human! We make mistakes, sometimes we make a lot of them. I have worked with enough families over the years in mom groups, playgroups, parenting classes and private consultation to say with 100% confidence that we all make a lot of mistakes. Yet, when we make them, somehow we feel totally alone. We feel like we are the only ones making them, that we have perhaps done irrevocable damage to our children and that we are probably the worst parent in the world. This is heightened by social media of course which displays everyone’s greatest moment that they had as a parent that day. It is a wonder that modern parenting can often make us feel incompetent. And yet, we wake up the next day to a letter that says, “You are the best mom in the world.” Children are surprisingly forgiving. They are always willing to give us a fresh start. Yet often we do not forgive ourselves. And this lack of forgiveness for ourselves is what I believe leads us to Einstein’s version of insanity: “doing the the same thing over and over that isn’t working.” If we do not forgive ourselves, we can not really move forward onto another path. So this year (or this week, let’s just start with this week!) when you make a parenting mistake, instead of going down that negative path of self-blame, choose another path! Just a simple acknowledgement, “Wow, that didn’t go well, that wasn’t the parent I want to be” will suffice. Know that you are not alone and THEN, because we definitely owe it to our adoring and forgiving children to NOT keep making the same mistakes over and over, come up with a plan for the next time. Because trust me, there will be a next time! Was it a trigger for you? Own it that this particular behavior triggers you and come up with a plan for how you will manage it differently. Out of ideas? We are certainly here to help! Check out our lineup of classes, support groups, playgroups, and live and on demand audio classes here.